Jokes Page

When doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at a hospital:

- The allergists voted to scratch it.
- The anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
- The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
- The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
- The microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein.
- The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
- The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
- The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
- The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
- The parasitologists said, “well, if you encyst”.
- The pathologists yelled, “over my dead body!”
- The paediatricians said, “grow up”.
- The proctologists said, “we are in arrears”.
- The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
- The surgeons decided to wash their hand of the whole thing.
- The radiologists could see right through it.
- The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
- The plastic surgeons said, “this puts a whole new face on the matter”.
- The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
- The chiropractors thought they were being manipulated.
- The urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

Translation Guide:

Women's English:

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]

Men's English:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep person then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others.

Actual Answers to Sixth Grade History tests:

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread mad without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out:"Tee hee, Brutus."

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernar Shaw.

13. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

14. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

15. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

16. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

17. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

18. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

19. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

20. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

21. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

22. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

23. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

24. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

25. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

26. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

27. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had alarge number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

28. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

29. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

30. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

32. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers

The Monkey factor!

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys,...
all on different limbs,... at different levels,...
some climbing up.

The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

DR. SEUSS EXPLAINS COMPUTERS

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the macrocode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory and you gotta RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.

To Tech Support Desk:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!! Otherwise, I'm at my wits' end.

Thanks, Joe.

REPLY

Dear Joe: This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade form Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by is creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cau se Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony / Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE. In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all the GPF's. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance to Wife 1.0.

I recommend Flower 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible >damage to the operating system.

Best of luck. Tech Support.

.......Additional Help but not from the Support Desk

I have been running Defacto Beta 2.4 for 9 years now and it seems to be running quite well. I would recommend this program to anyone considering upgrading to Wife 1.0 as it does not have all the GPF's, however is does come with a time bomb and will expire very soon at which time the only option is to upgrade to the Wife program. I have been waiting for Wife 2.0 as it has many of the features of Defacto 2.4 beta with a little more stability.

Skipped Church Lately?

One day this Preacher decided that he would skip church and go hunting.

When in the woods he came upon a bear.

The man started running.

And he ran for a while until all of a sudden he tripped over a tree root.

And at this moment he was almost face to face with the bear.

Then he said "Dear Lord, if there is one wish I would want for you to give me it would be to make this bear a christian."

And at that instant..... the bear halted to a stop and dropped on his knees and said "Dear Lord thank you for the food I am about to receive"!!

Three Men, a Chicken, and a Cow

There were three men traveling together, a priest, a farmer and a lawyer. It was starting to get late and they needed to find a place to sleep. They came across this farm and they asked the farmer there if they could spend the night. He said, 'Thats fine but my guest room is only big enough for two people, one of you will have to sleep in the barn.' The priest said, 'I don't mind sleeping with God's creatures, I will take the barn.' So they all agreed and went to their rooms.

About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the priest. 'There is a chicken in there that won't stop clucking! I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room.' 'That's ok,' said the farmer, 'I'll sleep in the barn, after all, I'm used to it.' So they all agreed and traded places.

About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the farmer. 'I can't stand the odor from that cow in there any more. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room.' 'Well, I guess that leaves me,' said the lawyer. So he went to sleep in the barn.

About an hour later there is a knock at the guest room door and there stands the chicken and the cow.

Professional definitions

Three Astronauts

Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, One was Russian and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.

The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German whilst the Russian decided to take along cigarettes.

Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next, out came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause. Suddenly out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium and snarled to the crowd and asked, 'Has anyone got a friggin' match?'

Investment Banking Mentality...

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna.

he American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

But what then, senor?

The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.

Millions, senor? Then what?

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos...

VIRUS REPORT

Lewinsky virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

Ronald Regan virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus;
Quits after two bytes.

Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 300 MD hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200MB.

Dr Jack Kevorkian virus:
Deletes all old files.

Titanic virus: (a strain of the Lewinsky virus)
Your whole computer goes down.

Disney virus:
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

Prozac virus:
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be back.

Lorena Bobbit virus:
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards it through Windows.

Viagra virus:
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

Story of the Talking Frog

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week. The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do *anything* you want. Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *anything* you want.
Why won't you kiss me?

The boy said, Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time forgirlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool.

True story (or so I'm told)

In March 1992 Andy Mikula living in Dickson City near Scranton, Pennsylvania, received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00.
He ignored it and threw it away.
In April Andy received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return post.
He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.
The following month Andy decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled.

He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally giving in he thought he would beat the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, Andy Mikula's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail.
The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month Andy received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

Andy, who had been considering buying his wife Eileen a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

New performance drugs

With Viagra such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

Here are a few of the new ones:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

Y2K Completed.

Y2K Complete

Y-to-K Date Change Project Status

Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December

As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a Global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.

And what does the year 2000 have to do with it anyway?

Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?

We'll await your direction."

St Patricks Day

The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words. Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the surgery's waiting room: "I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I'd hate to feel like this if I was well."

PADDY: "Hey Shaun, what's Micks' surname?"
SHAUN: "Mick who?"

SHAMUS asked Paddy how he got his black eye.

"You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church."

He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they all stood for a hymn he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bum.

"All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around an hit me," said Paddy.

It was a week later and Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.

"I got it in church," be began to explain.

He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for the hymn her dress was once again creased into the cheeks of her bum.

"My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back!"

MURPHY dropped dead the day he arrived back from a vacation in the tropics. He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects.

"He's got a great tan," mused Mrs Doolan from next door. "The holiday did him the world of good."

"And he looks for calm and serene," said Mrs McGinty.

"That's because he died in his sleep," explained MrsMurphy, "and he doesn't know he's dead yet. But when he wakes up and finds out, the shock will kill him."

US Air Force maintenance reports.....

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force Pilots, (P), and the replies from the maintenance crews, (S).

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough,
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

Grizzly Bear Notice:

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the B.C. Ministry of Forests is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung.

Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

There were these 3 guys . . . .

At a big conference in the USA, three executive leaders from IBM, Microsoft and Apple need to use the urinal at the same time.

The executive from IBM goes first. When he has finished he washed his hands and then used over 100 pieces of paper to dry his hands. His passing comment to the two other executives waiting in line was that IBM we are very thorough.

The executive from Microsoft is next. When he was finished he washed his hand and used only 1 piece of paper. His comment was that at Microsoft we are very thorough and precise.

The Apple executive did the job and then walked out without washing or drying his hands. He was then quickly questioned by the two other executives on why he did not wash or dry his hands.

His response was “At Apple we do not pee on our hands”

January 4, 2000


Dear Valued Employee:

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.

Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,

Automated Payroll Processing

Training the Dog . . . . .


This blind fella is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and you guessed it, right down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido.

A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, "None of my business, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just wizzed all down the leg of your pants?"

"Yes, I'm trying to break him of that habit", replies the blind man.

"Well, it's none of my business," retorts the onlooker, "but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a bisquit!"

To which the blind fella chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head
so I can kick his ass!"

You really know you're poor when . . . . .


You really know you're poor when you sit on the garbage can and your mum says, 'Get off the roof!'

You really know you're poor when you have to join the army to get a haircut.

You really know you're poor when you go to take a bath and the roaches say, 'wait your turn.'

If your cow sounds like this ..


click here

If your cow sound like this....

click here
Then fire up the bar-b-q
 May we suggest the fish?
Compliments the Xerox Shop Nowra

Mad Cow Disease

One cow looked at another cow and asked 'Have you heard about the new mad cow disease going around.?'

The other cow answered, 'What do I care? I'm a helicopter.'

Did You Cheat on Your Wife?


3 guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, 'I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big!'

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, 'How long were you married?' The first guy says, '24 years.' 'Did you ever cheat on your wife?', Peter asked. The guy said, 'Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven.' Peter said, 'yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Hyundai to drive.'

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy said, 'I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good.' Peter said, 'I'm pleased to hear that, here's you a Ford Fairlane.'

The 3rd guy walked up and said, 'Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!' Peter said, 'That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar for you!'

A little while later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto seen the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, 'I just seen my wife, she was on a skateboard!'

Late for School!

Mother: Come on Victor you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school.

Victor: Ahh mum do I have to, all the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me too.

Mother: Yes you do.

Victor: Give me a good reason

Mother: You're 34 and you're the Principal!

Hi Tech Man

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialling numbers like a telephone on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighbourhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand, I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says, "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender starts talking into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender "I would have never believed it!"

"Yeah", said the guy, "I'm really very hi-tech. I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it! By the way, where is the men's room?"
The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time.

Fearing the worst given the tough neighbourhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. The guy is there and is spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his bum.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? How much did they get?"

The guy turns and says, "No, no, I'm just waiting for a fax."

Camping with Holmes & Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

"Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

"Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent."

New English?!!

The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the EU - rather than German (the other possibility). As part of the negotations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English Spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a
5-year phase-in of new rules which would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish.

The agreed plan is as follows: In year 1, the soft 'c' would replaced by the 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replaced by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' is replaced by 'f'. This will reduse 'fotograf' by 20%.

In the 3d year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful and they should eliminat them.

By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas).

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be applied to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil have a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no more trubls or difikultis and evrirum vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!.

Once upon a time,

a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car a long a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer.)















The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
****Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling****



















So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen either.

And the Frog said....

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,"Ribbit. 9 Iron"

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone."Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit, Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win,but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

Terminology

Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Link Rot
The process by which links on a web page became obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die.

Chip Jewelry
euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."

Crapplet
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"

Plug-and-Play
A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play."

World Wide Wait
The real meaning of WWW.

CGI Joe
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Dorito Syndrome
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."

Under Mouse Arrest
Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."

Glazing
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"

404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."

Dead Tree Edition
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."

Egosurfing
Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.

Graybar Land
The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."

Open-Collar Workers
People who work at home or telecommute.

Squirt The Bird
To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"

Brain Fart
A biproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hackerslang that had more negative connotations.

Keyboard Plaque
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."

Career-Limiting Move (CLM)
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Alpha Geek
The most knowledgeable, technically-proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Adminisphere
The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Tourists
People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."

Blowing Your Buffer
Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!"

Gray Matter
Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.

Bookmark To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."

Beepilepsy
The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Computer Stupidities

A customer walked into the computer store I work in, wanting to return a computer.

I decided the moron had to solve his life before he could buy a computer.


(Well he was silly enough to buy a Wintel machine!)

51 days!

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts even more loudly in chant. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in just 51 days!"

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?

To keep his ankles warm.

A Washington newspaper recently completed a survey of women. When asked if they would have sex with the President, 75 percent stated, "Never Again."

Problem solver! how to fix those computer mishaps

ONE NATION MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION

Name: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Billy-Bob

(_) Billy-Joe

(_) Billy-Ray

(_) Billy-Sue

(_) Billy-Mae

(_) Billy-Polly

Age: ____

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

(_) Farmer

(_) Mechanic/ Taxi Driver

(_) Fish and Chip Shop Owner

(_) Skinhead

Spouse's Name: _______________________ Relationship with spouse:

(_) Sister (_) Brother

(_) Aunt (_) Uncle

(_) Cousin (_) Mother

(_) Father (_) Son

(_) Daughter (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name:_______________________

Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck

____ bedroom

____ bathroom

____ kitchen

____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_) The Truth (_)Exposure

(_) TV Guide (_) Soap Opera Digest

(_) Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

(_)Weekly

(_)Monthly

(_)Not Applicable

Colour of teeth:

(_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown

(_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

(_)Red-Man

(_)Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile

(_)2 miles

(_)don't know

Bill Gates Baby and Microsoft

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm.

And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?

1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support.

2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.

3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.

4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them.

5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.

6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one.

7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.

8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.

9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.

10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.

A warning to those who are thinking of using the new wonder drug for men, "VIAGRA".

A friend recently arrived back from the USA after procuring some of the new pills. He had been away from his wife for some time and was anxious to try them out. In his rush he forgot to take them with water and as they are a rather large pill it got stuck in his throat.

Well, depsite this the night of lovemaking with his wife was the best ever. The only problem was that he walked around for three days with a stiff neck

Three Engineers

A mechanical, electrical and computer engineer were riding together to an engineering seminar the car began jerking and shuttering. The mechanical engineer, said, "I think the car has a faulty carburetor."

The electrical engineer said, "no, I think the problem lies with the alternator."

The computer engineer brightened up and said, "I know, let's stop the car, we should all get out of the car and get back in again!"

Q. How many guys does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A. We don't know - it's never happened.

"Of course Australia was marked for glory, for its people had been chosen by the finest judges in England." -- Anonymous
The Engineer's Caribbean Cruise

An engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Aside from beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?" "Yes, I was," he answered. "But, where did you get that rowboat?" "Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the engineer. "There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron.

Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."
"To be honest I've just been sleeping on the beach," the engineer said.
"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked.
The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid around a palm tree.

There stood an exquisite bungalow, painted in blue and white. "It' not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, thanks," said the engineer. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked,
"Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the engineer replied. "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."
"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp.

Next he showered, not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom, and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."
As she did, the engineer continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too... isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and women need?
Something that would be really nice to have right now!"

"Yes, there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible.!"
"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.

The engineer, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean.. you actuallyfigured out some way we can CHECK OUR E-MAIL!"

Public things to ponder...

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female.

Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male.

Their reasons follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes.The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.

The driver replied, "Oh no, officer, I can't do that. I have really bad asthma, and if I do that I'll have an asthma attack and I'll probably die."

"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level"

The driver protested again, "Oh no, I can't do that either officer because I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."

"Fine then," said the officer again, " Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."

"Oh, I can't do that either" said the driver," I'm an hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you take my blood alcohol level, I'll probably die."

In a last attempt the officer said, "Alright then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."

"Oh, I can't do that either," the driver said again.

"And why not?" asked the officer.

"Because I'm drunk," said the driver.

Bill Gates Jokes


At COMDEX Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles per gallon of gas."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement

"Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Top 47 OXY-MORONS:

47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate

And the Number one top OXY-Moron

1. Microsoft Works (...not!)

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before; in your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, " Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????!

"That was the DEMO," replied God.

Subject: Microsoft acquires US Government in response to Justice Department Accusations Date: Wednesday, October 29, 1997 9:26 EST AM

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.

"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone". Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be minimal. The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief".

He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft. Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished.

"Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing".

When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place".

Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.

About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.

About the United States.
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.

Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus.

Here's what viruses do:

They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay,

Windows does that too.

Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

What if Commander Data Was Win95 Compatible?

WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
PICARD: On screen. [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.]
PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?
DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?
PICARD: Make it so. [The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.]
PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
DATA: Aye, sir. [Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]
WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
PICARD: Shields up!
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want those shields up *right now*. DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting tocomplete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data. [Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]
DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans. [LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]
PICARD: Shields... [There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.]
PICARD: Up, Data!
DATA: Aye, sir.
RIKER: All decks, damage report!
WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious. [Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.]
DATA: Shields are now up, captain.
PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.
WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]
PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.
PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?
RIKER: I left them with Geordi. LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them!
PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?
DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Abort!
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Well, fail, then!
DATA: Current nose is no longer valid. [Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.]
LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?
PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial control robots. [Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.]
PICARD: What's going on?
LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with them. [The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.]
FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?

T'was the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, and Doom II for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Windows 95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

Reasons why it's great to be a man

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.

15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.

20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.

57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

60. The world is your urinal.

78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

Reasons it's great to be a woman (emailed to us in response to the reasons why it's great to be a guy):

1. You can often change your mind

2. You can walk 10 paces without scratching between your legs

3. You never have to change a car tyre

4. You never get complaints about toilet seats

5. Just about anybody will buy you a drink


More reasons why it's great to be a woman
(emailed to us in response to the reasons why it's great to be a guy):

6. You can always get a lift home

7. You can always get a lift from home.

8. Free meals really are free depending how smart you are

9. Loans from males can be written off - with them

10. You don't have to pay for

lawn mower servicing
or lawns being mowed
car tuning
shifting the fridge
running the wipper snipper around the block
cleaning the windows on the outside on the second floor
cleaning the windows on the outside on the ground floor
beer for the Bar-B-Que
wine for the Bar-B-Que
cleaning up after the Bar-B-Que

11. Get the kids niggly before he arrives and he will piss off straight away, leaving the wine.

Read this with Bill Clinton in mind!

Mounting Scandals Plague God.

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper.

The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child."

In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily". Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.

Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

FROM THE INTERNET


What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

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