1 This is the tale of Shameless Shirley, the valley's favourite daughter,
As rich and fruity as a glass of Kangaroo River water.
Born at an early age one hundred years ago today,
Exemplar of the virtuous woman sadly led astray.
2 Her dad was at Gallipoli with her just six months old,
The family home a bare bark hut with cockroaches and mould.
Her mother took in ironing, which was tough, good Lord forgive 'er:
There wasn't no electrics up in way-up Upper River.
3 Shirl was five when Dad came home, a blasted broken shell,
Condemning lying leaders and proclaiming war was hell.
He angrily refused to offer thanks to God or pray
And damned the pomp and pride that typified each Anzac Day.
4 They told him "On your knees and seek forgiveness for your lies!"
The trouble was the Western Front had shot away his thighs.
Disgustedly he said "I'm shell-shocked, half-blind, one-armed, hunchbacked";
They cried, "Give thanks the good Lord left your other arm intact."
5 With Mum consumed by grief 'twas up to Shirl to see them through,
Though times were pretty tough whenever Council rates were due.
Her dad was legless every night, easing the pain with booze.
"No worries, Mum!" said Shirl, "At least we save on daddy's shoes!"
6 She nursed her dad and served him daily moonshine for his liver.
Each dawn she pushed him in his wheelchair to the mighty river
And there he fished all day, one-armed, and read some useful tome.
Each evening with some trouts for dinner Shirl would bring him home.
7 And then she'd clean and cook and wash and scrub and boil the billy,
The next day do it all again, working herself quite silly.
This was a life of toil, from which no decent mem'ry lingers:
She worked her fingers to the bone, and got - well - bony fingers.
8 One day she wrote a song and sang it in the dank and smelly
Speakeasies and bars of Upper River's underbelly.
The crowds went wild - it was a hit among the moleskinned flock
Of farmers in the urban conurbation of Flat Rock.
0123456789Hail to thee, O sweet lantana
0123456789Loyal friend, upright and true
0123456789And to thee, O faithful fireweed
0123456789In the valley of Kangaroo
0123456789How I love lantana pickles
0123456789Moth-vine chokos too
0123456789Never mind our valley's features
0123456789Ticks and cobblers' tacks and leeches
0123456789Every bug and weed beseeches
0123456789All who hail to Kangaroo
9 Our Shirl, though still a youngster, was becoming rather wealthy.
She said to Mum and Dad: "Let's move away from these unhealthy
Rustic inbred moonshine-swilling Upper River folk,
Their Pitt Street farmer neighbours and their clouds of funny smoke.
10 We're gonna flee, with all the goods and chattels we can carry,
And settle in the leafy 'burbs of bourgeois Barrengarry."
But Mum and Dad were sore dismayed; "This is our home!" they cried
And, broken-hearted, tick-bestrewn and leech-besieged, they died.
11 Inconsolable, young Shirley buried them next morn,
And in the cold hard light and melancholic mists of dawn
She said farewell, interring them beneath the river verge,
And o'er the waters and the hills she sang this genial dirge:
0123456789Thanks Mum and Dad for everything
0123456789For all I'd ever wish
0123456789And Dad, to you especially,
0123456789Thanks for all the fish
12 Now Shirl was all alone, bereft, no love, no family -
Though this was not a setback but an opportunity.
She said "It's time to spread my wings, to see the world, to seek
Adventure" - so she moved into a shed in Broger's Creek.
13 'Twas here she met her future husband, od'rous Dirty Dan,
A fine industrious good-looking local pump-out man;
They dodged the Great Depression, for we know the human species
Will always pay for pump-out when the longdrop's full of faeces.
14 She's now just 18 years. She's tried some amateur dramatics
At the Hall, a yoga class, and then some acrobatics;
With somersaults and backflips Shirl announced a premonition:
She'd found her life-long calling: she'd become a politician.
15 She didn't want to change the world, she simply wanted glory,
Fame and power - and so of course she had to be a Tory.
She joined the local branch and through skulduggery and cheek
Became a sitting member representing Broger's Creek.
16 Alas our lass, the lithe and lissom Shirl, soon went to fat,
For having stood for Parliament then run she now just sat.
Too young to know the way the parliamentary games were played,
Soon all her dearest principles, if any, she betrayed.
17 Now all she did at meetings of her branch was sing her song,
Inviting her constituents and staff to sing along:
0123456789Hail to thee, O sweet lantana
0123456789Loyal friend, upright and true
0123456789And to thee, O faithful fireweed
0123456789In the valley of Kangaroo
0123456789How I love lantana pickles
0123456789Moth-vine chokos too
0123456789Never mind our valley's features
0123456789Ticks and cobblers' pegs and leeches
0123456789Every bug and weed beseeches
0123456789All who hail to Kangaroo
0123456789How I love red-bellied black snakes
0123456789Killer wombats too
0123456789Fleabane, crofton weed and nettle
0123456789Paddy's lucerne in fine fettle
0123456789They will have to prove their mettle
0123456789All who hail to Kangaroo
18 Her hold on power soon grew weak, her prospects even bleaker,
Until her noble Tory mates appointed her the Speaker.
So now, whate'er her parliament'ry enemies could dish up
She dished it up right back - just like our own dear Bronny Bishup.
19 And Shirley loved it all. But Fate soon forced her to resign:
She'd not declared a gen'rous gift of rare and precious wine.
Corruption caused the downfall of this poor courageous girl,
Brought down by an ill-timed bottle of Barossa Pearl.
20 She settled back in Broger's Creek with some expectancy
And thought "This is the life; the Canberra fleshpots aren't for me".
Expectant, she of course expected she would need a man,
A good and faithful man - and so she married Dirty Dan.
0123456789Hail to thee, my darling Daniel
0123456789Loyal friend, upright and true
0123456789And to thee, our future children
0123456789In the valley of Kangaroo
21 And so began a long and satisfying married life -
Though she was scarce the true exemplar of a faithful wife;
Her motto was: "However great the joys of youth may be
They are as nothing to the pleasures of adultery."
22 A hawkish pacifist, she sat out World War Two, although
At Yalta gave some free advice to Winston, Frank and Joe,
And later that year took a big step forward for her gender
When on our blessed behalf she took the Japanese surrender.
23 When peace succeeded all those years of brutalising combat
Shirl made and sold her jellied kangaroo and jus of wombat;
And then she started breeding: pigs, echidnas, cows and tortoises,
Leeches, pythons, panthers, ticks, and sons and daughterses.
24 When Dan was made the Council's General Manager for life
He owed his situation and his fortune to his wife,
Who'd got herself elected Mayor by spending lots of cash.
She's still the only female mayor before Goanna Jash.
25 A scandal, it was hushed up by her lover, Harold Holt,
Who disappeared at Portsea though it wasn't Shirley's fault.
But Dan resumed his first career 'midst many acrimonies,
Really only happy pumping out the valley's dunnies.
26 So when they put the sew'rage in his anguish was profound;
He jumped into a cesspit, slowly sank, then gulped - and drowned.
Shirl was fatalistic: "Life just never gets no sweeter -
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, excreta to excreta."
0123456789Hail to thee O country yeomen
0123456789Squatters, urban poor true-blue
0123456789Peasant farmers, rustic bogans
0123456789In the valley of Kangaroo
0123456789How I love our local tribesmen
0123456789Weekend wankers, too
0123456789Those who daily toil in dairies
0123456789Nondescripts and dignitaries
0123456789Radicals, reactionaries
0123456789All who hail to Kangaroo
27 Now Shirley slowed right down, her zest for life grew pale and weak;
She took an old-age pension and retired to Broger's Creek;
Content with great longevity, fertility and fame;
T'il Tony Abbott said today "Let's make the dame a Dame!"
28 She's here tonight. Arise, Dame Shirley! Please come forward now;
This lovely verdant valley's favourite daughter, take a bow!
Let flags unfurl and batons twirl and all about us swirl
Damp vapours of warm compliments. Happy birthday, Shirl!